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My next invention shall be the Veggiedaire, a refrigerator designed for veg*ns, structured to accommodate our food habits and preferences. Well, mine, at least; everyone else can accommodate and adapt, or get bent.

Most obviously, the drawer labeled “meat” will have to be banished; I currently use mine for storing tofu, tempeh, and the like, but it’s annoying to have to look at the label every time I use it. There’s really no need to keep proteins together; they can just sit on the shelves. If there really must be a drawer, then it should at least be labeled “FU.” (We could tell people that the leading apostrophe dropped off.)

Instead of one dinky drawer each for fruits and vegetables, there will be multiple humidity-controlled drawers, for easy grouping by size, leafiness, resistance to dehydration, etc. Because you’ll have more space for storage, you’ll be less likely to lose things in the depths of drawers (no more oozing forgotten broccoli!), and delicate items such as peaches and lettuce will be less likely to get squished. Optional moisture sprays and drainage could help extend produce life, as could special absorber cartridges (refillable and recyclable) to control the atmospheric balance. There also should be a special higher-temperature compartment for storing things that are susceptible to chilling injury, such as avocados and tomatoes.

The egg holder will obviously have to go. Stupid thing, anyway. I’d throw mine out, but I’m haunted by the spectres of any future fridge owners coming after me, demanding to know where their egg holder thing is. I suppose the margarine holder can stay, though I’d rather have a collapsible or removable compartment attached to the underside of a shelf, to keep it away from the temperature extremes that the door experiences, and allow the space to be regained if you aren’t in an Earth Balance sort of mood.

Several specially fitted five-pound canisters should be in the freezer, for storing perishable whole grains without wasting space.

A bar code scanner would be fitted to the side. If you found yourself in possession of a packaged product of uncertain provenance, you could scan it into the Veggiedaire, which would then automatically look up the source of all the ingredients (e.g., is that glycerine from animal sources or from plants, or from whichever’s cheaper at the moment?), and even contact the manufacturer for you in case of doubt. This function would be made portable, either through a little detachable hand-held scanner you could take to the grocery store, or a small program you could install on your PDA or mobile phone.

Needless to say, refrigeration would be eco-friendly. And the default power would come from solar (panel and connection kit included with purchase) or wind; you’d have to pay more for the plug if you wanted to run it off the grid.

Another option I think would be cool is Ultimate High-Security Roommate Mode. (”Mode” must, of course, be pronounced with Kryten’s intonation from “Red Dwarf.” Otherwise, it’s just not funny.) All the food would be RFIDed according to who owns it; as you approached the refrigerator, your iris pattern would be scanned, and if you tried to remove anything marked as belonging to anyone else, the Veggiedaire would sound an alert. “Halt! That is not your soymilk, Insert Name Here!” If the soymilk was not returned immediately, the Veggiedaire’s security camera would take a photograph of the thief and e-mail it to the soymilk’s rightful drinker, who could then wreak unholy vengeance.

For those of us with dogs who enjoy half-climbing into the open fridge to see what might be on offer, this feature could be adapted: “Alert, Nigel! My door will be closing in two point five of your Earth seconds. Please stop attempting to steal the leftover bok choy and remove yourself from the door’s path immediately.”

That might be stretching the invention budget, though. Even evil vegan mad scientists have to operate at least loosely within their budget constraints. I think I’ll just go cross out the “meat” label on the top fridge drawer, write “Praise Seitan!” on it instead with my trusty Sharpie, and call it a night.