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Maybe it’s because my parents, who are rather reliable in picking out good presents, and I have not yet exchanged gifts, but this year’s crop seems, well, just horrible. The only one that approached reasonableness is the candle set (and even then, the candle is taupe — taupe, I say!), and I can’t really fault the gift-certificate route, it being only a vagary of fate that I happen to despise the store that issued the card. The regifting of the tea, well, that was just funny, and also a useful clue that my grandmother does not like tea. On the other hand, I have received no less than two gifts from people who should know me well enough to have at least some clue of my taste, yet the gifts have either shown no awareness at all or have been so flagrantly the antithesis of all that I am that I have to try very hard not to interpret them as slaps in the face.

This is not to say that I don’t appreciate people thinking of me, but if the appropriateness of the presents reflects how well they know me, or how much they care about getting something suitable for me, then I’d really rather they didn’t bother. Less stress for them and for me. If they’re thinking of me, I’d much rather they just e-mail or call, rather than get me some . . . gawdawful something to act as tangible proof that they know I exist.

Therefore, I am now issuing some rules about present-giving. I am guilty of breaking some of these rules in the past, but shall do my utmost to follow them in future.

1. Thou shalt not gift out of a sense of obligation. Just because you work with, are related to, or live next door to someone is not a sufficient reason to gift. For instance, I found myself buying a present this year for a six-year-old I’ve never met and whose name I couldn’t remember, simply because he is the son of the woman my semi-uncle is involved with. That is ridiculous. I had absolutely zero chance of picking out something he would like, and now they’re stuck with a probably unwanted toy to rehome. Henceforth, gifting shall be entirely voluntary, and you shall only begift those you wish to begift.

2. Reciprocation is not obligatory, especially not emergency improvisational reciprocation. Maybe I was feeling especially generous or flush with money or festive or something, but I didn’t get you a present just so I could get one from you. If that had been my goal, I’d be sensible enough to cut out the middleman and just buy something for myself. If you got me a gift and I didn’t reciprocate, then assume that I didn’t find anything I thought you would like and decided not to insult you with something tacky, or that I’m feeling particularly impoverished at the moment, or whatever.

3. There shall be no gifting without at least some thought going into the process. Is this something the recipient is likely to appreciate? Have you ever seen her wear anything gold, or does she seem to prefer silver? Do you think he’ll really enjoy that book, or would he more likely prefer a video game? If you’re not at least reasonably sure, why the hell are you giving a present to this person anyway? You’re obviously not close enough to them to know their taste. If you really feel you must gift them anyway, skip to commandment #4.

Corollary 3a. If you’re not sure, is it at least something perishable and thus unlikely to place a burden of rehoming or regifting on the recipient? If they don’t like the banana bread you made for them, they can chuck it out and at least rest assured that the bears at the dump (or the compost heap) will have a festive snack. If the wine is corked or the fancy olive oil is crap, they can pour it down the drain, recycle the bottle, and no one gets hurt. The same is not so easily said for gaudy costume jewelry or gewgaws or trinkets, which require more effort to get rid of responsibly.

4. Thou shalt treat gift certificates with caution. Generic is usually better, unless (a) the generic issuer in question is viewed with disdain in some circles and you’re not sure whether the recipient moves in those circles, or (b) you are absolutely, positively sure that the recipient uses and/or can use the service offered. I once gave my mom a gc to Fandango, which is an absolutely wonderful service — in Atlanta. In Statesboro, there is no online ticketing, no kiosk that allows you to bypass the line and just get your prepaid ticket right away. At the time, that wasn’t even available in Savannah, so the gc was completely useless to her and thoroughly pointless.

5. If thou absolutely must do something else, thou shalt consider charitable donations instead. This is what I think I shall do next year for the extended family (those who don’t really know me well, and whom I don’t know well): pick a noncontroversial charity (e.g., HSUS, the Red Cross/Crescent/Crystal) and request that, instead of presents, relatives donate whatever they would’ve spent on me to the charity, instead. They don’t even have to tell me how much they donated, or present any evidence thereof. Also, money I would’ve spent on presents for them will go to a charity of their choice. I like that idea best of all.